Ezekiel Elliott Got FAT

Zeke is a thick boi

What an absolute unit

He c h o n k

Look at the size of this dude

OH LAWD HE COMIN

other internetisms

If you haven’t seen Zeke Elliott this offseason, something may be up with your eyesight, because this dude is hard to miss. This guy, who is the only reason I didn’t have to go on a date with a blow up doll as a fantasy football punishment, makes me really glad I am not in a keeper league. Look at this recent picture of him with Von Miller and a third guy:

If you couldn’t already tell from the fattest guy in the photo, Zeke is the nutty professor looking dude on the left.

Now, I am not the first person to notice this and I certainly won’t be the last. But, these updates on his weight have not gone unnoticed by Zeke. He made a video weighing himself that was supposed to silence the haters.

Only problem with the “hater-silencing” video is that that is the opposite of what this website does. First, how do we know that he didn’t step off the scale and let a skinnier person get on? Next, 230 pounds is still considered obese, not overweight, by the Alabama department of health. That’s right, Alabama. The home of fat people says that Zeke Elliott is still obese.

And if he really wants to put some of the fat rumors to rest, he should probably stop guzzling popcorn with Dak Prescott at hockey games. Bad visual.

Image result for zeke elliott at hockey game

Tony Romo Next Head Coach of the Cowboys?

Tony Romo has been one of the best game analysts the NFL has ever seen. His oracle-esque play predicting abilities has been amazing us all year long. And I’m sure it has caught the eye of a couple NFL front offices.

Every team wants a guy like Sean McVay or Kliff Kingsbury. The offensive gurus and quarterback whisperers. But what about a guy that already knows exactly what those jabronis are going to do? Tony Romo would eat those guys for breakfast… and he may just get that chance.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo listens on the headset from the bench as the Cowboys face the Philadelphia Eagles in the third quarter at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas, Sunday, October 30, 2016.(Tom Fox/The Dallas Morning News)

Yesterday, the Cowboys announced that they will not be extending Head Coach Jason Garrett. At least not this offseason. Now, he will be entering the final year of his contract. One possibility is that they want more out of Garrett. The last time the Cowboys let him enter the last year of his contract without an extension, he took the ‘Boys to a 12-4 season. Even more impressively, he got Dak to do stuff. That, in itself, is worthy of an extension.

Here is the other possibility: the Cowboys want Garrett out and Jerry Jones is, of course, all about his money. They are going to let Garrett finish out his contract to avoid having to buy him out of his last year and begin a coaching search. Who better than someone who the fans love, knows the organization and apparently knows every other team’s playbook? Who better than Tony Romo?

No one thought this analyst stuff was going to last forever. I can see why Romo wouldn’t want to leave just yet especially since he just started doing it and already made a Super Bowl. That’s something he never did as a player since Dez never made a football move. Bottom line is, I cannot wait for him to become a Head Coach and blow more 4th quarter leads while also disappointing America’s Most Annoying Team.

DSJ Trade Talks Ramp Up

In the wise words of J Cole, “Dennis Smith, Jr. stay solid my *****.”

While I cannot finish said quote, that is becoming the truth for him now, as trade talks have been ramping up. The Mavs, in light of Luka Doncic being the real #1 pick and RotY, are looking to get compensation for DSJ. Why? Well, to paraphase a different famous movie, “He is the captain now.”

Yes, with DSJ being plagued with injuries (and JJ Barea going down with that Achilles rupture), Luka has not only stepped up to being the primary ball handler, but is essentially the only ball handler on their team. The #4 overall vote-getter for the NBA All-Star game (#2 in the West frontcourt only behind LeBron) will unlikely relinquish or be told to relinquish the offensive reins, so the question becomes simple: who wants DSJ?

Thankfully for him, two teams have expressed heavy interest in him, and seem to be willing to give good assets in order to acquire him. Unfortunately for him, those two teams are the Suns and Magic.

While this does mean that he will be leaving the Mavs (and break my heart since I wanted to see the Luka-DSJ combo work out), he will be going to one of two teams that not only need a point guard, but will allow him to be a starter day one. Here are a few ideas for trades…

Mavs Receive – SF/PF Jonathan Isaac (3 yrs/~$5 mpy), 2nd round pick (swap best to Magic)
Magic Receive – PG Dennis Smith, Jr. (3 yrs/~$4 mpy), 2nd round pick (swap worst to Mavs)

OR

Mavs Receive – SG/SF Mikal Bridges (4 yrs/$3.5 mil), 2nd round pick, 2nd round pick (swap worst to Magic)
Suns Receive – PG Dennis Smith, Jr. (3 yrs/~$4 mpy), 2nd round pick (swap best to Mavs)

Now, I know that the players salaries slightly match. The only reason I am including picks is to make it slightly more palatable for both teams. I completely believe that they could easily just do a player swap, but nothing is that simple in the NBA. I believe that the greed of some teams will lead them to try and off-load contracts (looking at you Suns cough cough) and maybe kill the deal on their end. However, this is a good divorce that, while it did not need to happen, it was going to happen.

Keep your head up DSJ.

NFC Playoff Prediction

rams-d

4 Dallas Cowboys at 2 Los Angeles Rams, 8:15 p.m. ET

The Dallas Cowboys seemed to be in pretty good control over the Seattle Seahawks this past weekend despite what the final score showed. We all know what this defense can do, and they proved that they could shut down another premier quarterback in Russell Wilson. The difference between the Seahawks and the LA Rams, though, is that they Cowboys now have to game plan for both a stellar passing game with Jared Goff, and a really strong running game with Todd Gurley.

The Cowboys are no slouch on offense either. Ezekiel Elliott is considered one of the best running backs in the league and he’s proven it time and time again. They also have seemed to revitalize their passing game with the mid-season addition of Amari Cooper. The real problem that I see for the Cowboys is who they have playing quarterback. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, Dak Prescott is one of the most overrated quarterbacks in the NFL. He might not even be overrated, I think others agree with me. If teams want to beat the Cowboys, it seems like the recipe for that is to just keep the ball in Dak’s hands and force him to throw.

The Ram’s defense is extremely impressive, especially their d-line. They have the potential NFL defensive player of the year in Aaron Donald. In addition, they have Ndamukong Suh and Michael Brockers. Their secondary is strong as well, and that might be what causes this game to be an issue for the Cowboys.

I predict that, since the Rams are playing at home in LA, they are able to handle the Cowboys with no problem. Rams win and move on to the NFC Championship game. Final score 27-17.

breesfolesthumb

6 Philadelphia Eagles at 1 New Orleans Saints, 4:40 p.m. ET

The defending Super Bowl champs have made it past a very strong Chicago Bears team on the road. No Bear weather though, like I said. Eagles have had a resurgence since the starting of the humble leader Nick Foles. The man, can play. I have to give it to him. Also, the teams really likes to play for him. We forget that they are still the team that won the Super Bowl last year. They haven’t changed much. They still have the impressive defense that can really help control the game for them. While their offense isn’t as impressive, they still seem to keep them in the game. Zach Ertz might be the best TE in the league.

Unfortunately for the Eagles, they don’t really have a rushing attack, and the lack of dynamic against this New Orleans Saints’ defense might be a problem. The Saints’ defense is extremely good against the run, and they can get to the quarterback. If the Eagles can’t establish a rushing game then they lose that dynamic and would have to rely on Nick Foles to lead the team, which is fine, but then they are one dimensional. I don’t see any way this Eagles offense can get anything done.

The Saints’ offense on the other hand is extremely dynamic with future Hall of Famer Drew Brees leading the passing game, Michael Thomas receiving, and then the two headed monster of Alvin Kamara and Mark Ingram. The Saints’ offense is just going to roll over this team.

I see no way that the Nick Foles magic continues, and the Saints stomp the Eagles. Final score 41-20.

NFC Championship Game: Saints vs. Rams

So then this would leave us with a rematch of the Saints vs. Rams game which took place back in week 9. In that game the Saints handled the Rams pretty well. Just like that game, this game will be played in New Orleans. Usually, I do not like picking teams when there is a revenge game, because teams are usually out for blood. The Saints however, do not have to worry about the Rams’ passing defense, and the Saints can trow the ball. Drew Brees carved up the Rams defense last time and I see no reason for them to do it again.

The Rams, let’s be honest, aren’t as good as they were when the teams first played. The last time they played, Cooper Kupp was still healthy. I think this will almost be a mirror image of the last game, except the a little lower scoring. I think the Saints set their sights at the Super Bowl.

Saints beat the Rams to win the NFC Championship. Final score of 31-21.

-Parmesan Don

@parmesandon