Is Somebody Stealing Powers From NFL QBs?

I’m really not trying to be dramatic when I say this; someone has stolen powers from several quarterbacks in the NFL. Quarterbacks who normally perform well, especially against garbage teams. But this past weekend, fell flat. I can’t say definitively who stole them, but I have some culprits. I know stats are for losers, but I really need them for this take.

Ben Roethlisberger. The quarterback who has won more games in Cleveland than anyone else in the NFL… including Browns quarterbacks. He returned to his kingdom this past weekend where he was certain to reclaim his throne. Only to realize, he is going to have to share it. Big Ben ended the Browns streak of losses by throwing 3 interceptions, only 1 touchdown, and the game in the last 2 minutes. Not to mention his QBR of 60. As a starting QB in the NFL, an unwritten rule is that you have to beat the Browns. I guess he also didn’t lose to them, but that was embarrassing. Analysts are already projecting him to bounce back, but I am not holding my breath. Until his powers are returned, Big Ben is in more trouble than anyone in the bathroom with him.

Matt Stafford. Nobody really thinks of this guy as the best QB in the league, but he is definitely top 15. The last two years, he only threw 10 interceptions per season. He used to take care of the ball… that was, until he lost/ was robbed of his powers. This past Monday, He threw 4 interceptions to the Jets. THE JETS. In fact, his fourth favorite receiver was the Jets defense. How in the world do you let that happen? His QBR was 47.9 which is one of the worst I’ve seen for a normally good quarterback. In this case I’m not really sure if he can bounce back. We will have to see next week against the 49ers.

Derek Carr. Bear with me, now. Carr has had a pretty good career when you look back through the years. 3,000 yards with a least 20 TD’s a season has got to be worth something. Now, let’s give him one of the best quarterback coaches in the NFL and see how much better it makes him. What? That didn’t work? Maybe because it isn’t the same Derek Carr. Yes, I realize that the Rams defense is incredible, but no defense makes you underthrow receivers by 15 yards on a simple out route or make you forget what Amari Cooper looks like. Just like Big Ben, he threw 3 interceptions, but had no touchdowns and somehow had the highest QBR out of these three with 62.

Now, you’re probably wondering who could have done this. Was it the aliens from Moron Mountain like in Space Jam or was it some evil genius who needs to make a comeback? Let’s discuss. I have two main suspects. Both who suck. First, Eli(te) Manning. He’s been on a pretty bad downward spiral for the last couple seasons. Especially last year when he threw 19 touchdowns and 13 interceptions. One of his worst years ever. But how did he do it? You cannot convince me that the weird shape of his head developed somewhere on Earth. I’m not buying it. He probably has the glowing football somewhere in his locker.

Next culprit, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Totally garbage quarterback who has no business starting for any team, but was the only option this week in Tampa because Winston, like Big Ben, likes to sexually assault women. This past Sunday, Fitz completely lit it up against the Saints, with 417 yards, 4 TD’s, and no picks with a QBR of 156.3. Unprecedented. Now, how did he do it. Well, it just so happens he is the only QB smart enough to do it. After all, he went to Harvard. The Harvard grad must have invented something to transfer these powers to him. And now, this smug benchwarmer in all his Harvardness is about to have himself an MVP season. Stay away from Case Keenum, Fitz.

*Note: Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard. Also, keep an eye on Matt Ryan, who still has yet to play his best game of 2017.

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How Could OBJ Play This Year?

Odell Beckham Jr. is one of the best players in this year’s NFL. A top 3 wide receiver depending on who you ask. A top 1 wide out if you ask Parmesan Don (@soft7parm) and I’m inclined to agree with him. During this past offseason, his was given a monster new deal from the Giants for 5 years, $95 million, making him the highest paid receiver in the league. Think about how many hotel rooms and white substances that can buy. There has been a lot of speculation about how his play is going to vary after last year’s injury. Two scenarios: OBJ is going to play like he just got PAID, or like he just got paid…

If OBJ plays like he just got paid… then expect him to play like he did the first 4 games last year. Statswise, he was okay for those games, but also received a hefty load of the targets. He had to come down with a couple of those balls. Beckham wasn’t jumping as high, his cuts weren’t as clean, and his hands were not as sticky as they always were. There were many drops last year that were simply unacceptable. Including 2 vs. the Packers that would have gone for touchdowns. Did he drown during the boat day and have a new worse OBJ take his place? Did the white substance in the hotel room slow him down in some way? I hope not. The NFL is so much more fun with Beckham choke slamming cornerbacks. I’m hoping for the former of the two options.

My guess is that Odell plays like he just got PAID this season. This means that he will be back to his old ways. The same guy that was making one handed catches while being interfered with that would make Randy Moss’ jaw drop. I want him to have the best year of his career. So good that Eli(te) will be brought back into the Top 15 discussion. So good that he is on the dust on sight list for every cornerback on an NFL roster and the practice squad. After that first game of the season with 11 receptions and 111 yards, I think he will be incredible. If he can stay healthy, he will have 130 receptions, 1,540 yards, and 20 touchdowns.

Alabama Can’t Not Win It All

Alabama is once again the best team in college football. They have been so good for so long that saying they will win the championship after just 2 games isn’t even a hot take anymore. They have the best coach, best running backs, and of course, the best defense. But this year they have added yet another weapon. A weapon that should be illegal for Nick Saban to possess. That weapon is Tua Tagovailoa. Finally, a competent quarterback in Tuscaloosa. This team is flat out unstoppable. If their defense stays as consistent as they always are and Saban stops playing Hurts in serious situations, Bama will be just fine. In fact, I cannot see very many teams on their schedule coming within 20 points of them.

So far this season, Alabama has already completely obliterated Louisville and Arkansas State by a combined score of 108-21. Now, I realize that those wins aren’t too impressive, but they held Louisville to only 11 rushing yards and Tua looked incredible. Definitely showed that he is the sole starter. Bama won’t be tested again until November. Their next games until then are against Ole Miss, Texas A&M, UL Lafayette, Arkansas, Missouri, and Tennessee. Get ready to see some blood baths. Okay, I know that Texas A&M gave Clemson a pretty good game, but I don’t think that is relevant. Clemson is nowhere near as good as Alabama. Yes, they are the number 2 team in the nation, but the 1-2 divide is incredibly vast. They are only there because technically someone has to be. The aggies aren’t anything I would worry about.

The last 4 games of the season will by far be the toughest for Bama. They play LSU, Mississippi State, The Citadel, and Auburn. First, LSU is tough this year. Love me some tigers. Love me some Coach O. Orgeron has his team looking the best I have seen in a while. They even found their missing link. Just like Bama, it’s a competent quarterback. Jordan Burrows is great, but I still don’t think he can put up enough points to outlast the Alabama offense. I wouldn’t worry about Mississippi State. They’ll beat The Citadel by 60. I’m not sure why Bama always schedules a super easy team right at the end of their schedule. Last is Auburn. I know that anything can happen in a rivalry game, especially the Iron Bowl, but Auburn had trouble putting up 21 points against a Pac 12 defense. If that is indicative of anything, it’s that Alabama is going to run them for a 40-point blowout. Just calling it how I see it.

Let’s jump to the postseason. The Tide will most likely play Georgia in the SEC Championship. This will be a good test, but here’s why I know Alabama will win. Georgia is not the same team as last year. Yes, they reloaded and they still have Hot Rod Blankenship, but they lost key players like Nick Chubb, Sony Michel, and Roquan Smith. Plus, Tua is going to play the entire game this time around. Now for the College Football Playoff. No need to worry about those choke artists from Madison. They only team I can see giving Bama a real game is Ohio State, but they rely too much on their speed and Alabama just so happens to have the only defense fast enough to keep up with them. On top of that, the buckeyes defense cannot stop a dominant balanced attack like Alabama has. In other words, it’s in the bag.

Please help me in congratulating you 2019 CFB Champions: the Alabama Crimson Tide.

Alabama IS Missing the College Football Playoffs this Year

Alabama seems to go undefeated every year, and I’m sick of it! Luckily for me, and literally everyone in the world except for people from that dump of a state they call Alabama, they are going to lose some games this year, and I don’t even think they make the National Championship this year. Fingers crossed.

Here is the Tide’s schedule:

Sept. 1 – Louisville

Sept. 8 – Arkansas State

Sept. 15 – at Ole Miss

Sept. 22 – Texas A&M

Sept. 29 – UL Lafayette

Oct. 6 – at Arkansas

Oct. 13 – Missouri

Oct. 20 – at Tennessee

Oct. 27 – Bye

Nov. 3 – at LSU

Nov. 10 – Mississippi State

Nov. 17 – The Citadel

Nov. 24 – Auburn

Ok, so we know they are 2-0 going into Saturday’s game against Ole Miss.That’s obvious. After their first game of the season it seemed like everyone assumed the Tide were up to their usual stuff, and that’s winning football games and by a lot. I watched that Louisville-Alabama game and I hate to break it to y’all, I don’t think they looked that good. What I saw was Nick Saban running up the score against a young, and if we’re being honest, bad Louisville Cardinals football team. No Lamar Jackson and Jaire Alexander really makes a different for their game plan, and it showed. Jalen Hurts, and it’s obvious, is not good, and as long as Nick Saban keeps up with this ridiculous game plan, then I think teams can make it close and maybe even beat them. I also don’t see any real threats on their offense or someone in their defense that scares me enough to think otherwise. You may say, “Oh, Parm what are you talking about they have Tua”. Ok yeah sure they have Tua, but the dude has literally only played 2 and a half games of college football. Even in those full games he split time. Also the first two games of this season have been cake for them. Tua probably played better talent in high school. Looking at how strong the SEC West is this year and all the games they have to play I can easily see them losing 2 or maybe even 3 games. Luckily for them, that will be the only struggle they will have because they schedule such easy teams so that they don’t lose any more. So the teams that I think Alabama may lose to are at Ole Miss (this weekend, look out!), Texas A&M, at LSU, andAuburn.

Ole Miss may not be ranked but their offense is electric. The wide receiving core may be the best I have seen in awhile. They are big, fast, and physical. Alabama’s defense has not been tested like this in a while, or at least this year. I’d say look out for that one. Texas A&M has a new head coach in town and he’s made A&M watchable again. I think that this game will be very close and it all depends on who scores last. If Alabama beats Ole Miss this weekend then look out for a loss from them the next when they play Texas A&M. LSU at home might be the hardest game to play for any team. That environment is the best in the country. If it is a night game then you can absolutely forget about it. LSU might have the best defense in the country this year, and it seems like they have picked up where they left off on stellar running game with Nick Brossette. Also with an actually capable QB that can read defenses and make smart plays, I can see this game being a very tough game for the Tide. This Auburn game is obviously a big one. It doesn’t seem to matter if either team is good it’s always close. Auburn is very good this year, and their play against Washington showed that their defense is too. I think that both teams will be trying to get into the SEC Championship game as well and that will create a lot of anticipation for that game. I think Alabama will finish the year 10-2 and miss the college football playoffs.

The Bills Are A Special Type of Bad

Yesterday, we all watched as the Ravens put the ass whooping of possibly the entire season on the Bills, 47-3. Everyone needs to be fired.  The Ravens shouldn’t easily beat anybody and in no circumstances should they embarrass another team. Joe Flacco should never be taken out of a game because he was doing too good. That’s just absurd. What is most surprising about this whole thing is that Buffalo actually made the playoffs last year. 

Historically, the Bills have been a pretty garbage franchise. Not the worst, but still pretty bad. Nothing to brag about when their greatest accomplishments are losing in the Super Bowl four times and that time a murderer ran for 2,000 yards. Currently, their only known for sucking and their 300 pound, wing stuffed fans falling through plastic tables. Not to mention the laughing stock of the NFL, Nathan Peterman.

Ah, Nathan Peterman. As a fan of any other team in the NFL, it’s hard not to love this guy. But how does he have a job? Seriously, he was pulled from the game after throwing for a 0.7 QBR, according to ESPN. I’m convinced that even I could get at least a QBR of 1. Even when he threw 5 picks in one half, he was performing at around 12. He somehow just played worse.

There’s a couple things that need to be done by the Bills front office. First, drop Peterman to waivers or at least the practice squad. Maybe even manager of a concession stand. Just somewhere far away from the field.  Second, go all in on Josh Allen. He’s your guy now. He may be wildly inaccurate, but I can guarantee he won’t throw 5 picks in a half.

Could Kentucky Go 10-2?

Probably not, but hear me out.

Like every college football fan, I get my hopes way too high at the beginning of the season just to be let down and leave me asking, “why do I do this to myself?” Because I love it, dammit. I love getting hyped about every college football season and I’ll be damned if I don’t find a way to do it again. Thanks to the SEC Network that has become possible.

Peter Burns and Chris Doering went through every SEC team’s schedule. In true SEC Network form, they wildly overstated every program’s possible ceiling. They had Kentucky at 8-4, but subtly mentioned that two of those losses were winnable. So, why did I blindly believe that Kentucky was going to have their first 10-win season since 1977? Why did I believe a random TV personality’s take when he gave zero support to back himself up? Because that is the kind of sheep I am when it comes to football.

Kentucky is a lot better of a team than they are getting credit for. On defense, the cats are returning starters that will have a huge impact in the SEC. A linebacker core of Jordan Jones, Josh Allen, and Kash Daniel, then a secondary led by Mike Edwards seems like a damn good crew especially for the SEC East. The offense is not far behind. CJ Conrad is a top 3 Tight End for the sake of this column. Benny Snell is the SEC’s leading rusher from a year ago. And, now we have Touchdown Terry Wilson at quarterback who may be the fastest person in the commonwealth of Kentucky.

Side note: If I see any football player whose name begins with “T,” they will most likely be referred to as “touchdown *insert name.”

Let’s get into the schedule and discuss the wins and losses. Kentucky will lose to Georgia and Mississippi State. That’s just how it is. It be like that sometimes. The rest of the games are winnable though. Kentucky did not have the best game against Central Michigan, but I almost want to guarantee wins against the rest of their opponents except for Florida and Texas A&M. Texas A&M is a complete toss up especially with Jimbo Fisher in his first year of a new program. Finally, there is Florida. It has been 31 years since UK has won a game against them. This year… it ends.