Russell Wilson’s O-Line Hates Him

First off, I do not like Russell Wilson at all. Not only does he make it a point to underperform specifically on the weeks that I start him in fantasy, but also he went to Wisconsin. He’s a badger… and he acts like it. Ya know, just a smug arrogance despite never winning anything. I know these are really petty reasons to dislike someone, but boy, does it feel good to not be alone. His o-line hates him too. The Seahawks’ running game has been trash all season, so it has forced Head Coach Pete Carroll to switch to a pass-heavy offense. As it turns out, Wilson’s line can’t pass block either. This begs the question, “Can’t? or Won’t?”

So far this season, Wilson has been sacked 12 times which leads the NFL, I assume. I know that they have played some stellar defenses in the Denver Broncos and the Chicago Kahlil Macks, but right now, he is on pace to be sacked 96 times this season. Also an NFL record, I assume. Being a mobile quarterback, Wilson is already much more prone to being sacked than a typical pocket passer. HOWEVVA *Stephen A. Smith voice* it has never been this bad. The most he has been sacked in a season is 45 times. Now, he’s already over a quarter of the way there in 2 games? I’m onto you, Seattle o-line. I don’t like him either, but this is your job.

So, let’s discuss why Wilson’s offensive line hates him. There have been numerous occasions when teammates of his have spoken out against the favorable treatment Wilson gets from Pete Carroll. Rodger Sherman has made that pretty clear. In fact, an article from Business Insider Sports claims, “teammates privately seem to want him exposed.” The article cites favorable treatment as one of the top reasons. Trouble in paradise? I don’t know. He’s the quarterback; of course he gets favorable treatment. I think it’s just that he’s a douche. I think it’s that badger smugness I mentioned earlier. He’s married to Ciara. Cool. He won one Superbowl riding the coattails of one of the best defenses of all time. So did Trent Dilfer, move along. Now even with a trash team, he still carries himself like a Top 5 quarterback. Wilson, I hate you and I’m glad your offensive line does too.

Is Matt Carpenter’s Salsa Really HGH?

I’m not a conspiracy theory guy at all, BUT I am a huge connect the dots guy. So, let’s connect some dots.

Everyone is wondering what the hell happened with the Cardinals. Since losing 2 out of 3 to the Cincinnati Reds in mid-July, right before All-Star break, they’ve hired Mike Shildt and their hitting has exploded. It led them to a league best 22-6 in the month of August and won 11 series straight until losing 2 of 3, again, from the Reds. During their resurgence, the Cardinals had an unlikely hero, Matt Carpenter.

Good/okay Matt Carpenter. The lifetime .270 hitter who will get you 20-25 home runs a year with a sprinkle of RBI’s here and there. Now, to his credit, Carpenter is a solid lead-off hitter, but he struggled to begin his 2018 season. He was only hitting .140 through mid-May, but that soon changed.

Now, as of September 16th, Matt Carpenter is hitting .268 with 35 home runs. He places in the top 5 of league HRs and runs, and also set the Cardinals franchise record of lead-off home runs in franchise history at over 21 in his career. So, what happened? How did he have this resurgence? It’s gotta be the salsa.

After returning from a road trip in mid-May, Carpenter came home to a freshly planted garden from injured teammate, Adam Wainwright. From that garden, came a “secret” salsa which led to an unprecedented streak of 6 straight games with a home run, which extended to 8 home runs in 12 games. After his historic streak, he said “maybe it’s the salsa.”

Now don’t come at me saying streaks like this just happen. In fact, they do, but it’s very rare and ALWAYS comes from power hitters. Stanton did in it 2017. but he also hit 59 HR that season and is a known power hitter. Matt Carpenter is no power hitter. Since mid-May, Carpenter hit 30 home runs which doesn’t seem like a lot but considering his career high in a season was 28 in 2015, but since then his highest was 21. Then this season he hits 35 so far? Something’s up. Now here is the interesting part:

Everyone knows MLB drug tests at the end of the season. So, what has Matt Carpenter done in the last month? Well, it’s been less that satisfying. Carpenter has hit 3 HRs in his last 30 games, batting .230 with 29 strikeouts. And the salsa, well there has been zero mention of that since his slump started. And the Cardinals, who were riding his high, just got swept by the Dodgers and are 2 games back of the 2nd NL wild card spot. Again, I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but these dots connect too well.

2018 Hell In A Cell Review

First off, this PPV was, in my opinion, a little underwhelming. They changed the cell to red, which made it damn near impossible to see through it when the camera was outside the ring, and the matches inside of it, were a B- at best. But let’s not jump ahead, we’ll start with the Pre-Card.

New Day (c) vs Rusev Day

This match was extremely boring. Why would Vince put the New Day against some low tier tag team such as Rusev Day? The New Day and the Usos had the best Hell in a Cell Match in 2017, so why not rerun it or at least let the Bar compete in it? Sure, Rusev is one of the most popular entertainers right now, and his Rusev Day ploy is widely loved, but then they put on a 10-minute match and lose via pinfall? Makes no sense whatsoever. Grade: C-.

Hell in a Cell: Jeff Hardy vs Randy Orton

I’ll be honest, behind Braun and Roman this was my most anticipated matchup and it was mediocre. Hardy hit the offensive early, with attempting to hit a suplex on Orton in between an upside-down ladder, but Orton countered and threw Hardy into it. This got my blood pumping, this is what I wanted. Then Orton got angry, smashed Hardy with a chair, then with a belt, and even put his head between a chair and stomped on it repeatedly. Then it got eerie; they did the one thing possible to turn me off this match. Orton took a screwdriver and put it through Hardy’s gauge on his ear. He twisted it and I was turned away. I hate this gimmick, especially from Orton who was my favorite wrestler until the whole Jinder debacle. I attached a video of this at the end. Hardy countered, beat Orton with a belt which drew blood. He then countered an RKO with a Twist of Fate and hit Orton with a Swanton Bomb, which led to a 2 count. He then set a table and placed a smaller ladder next to a larger one. He landed another Swanton and Orton was on the table, helpless. Hardy then did what everyone kind of expected, he climbed on top of the taller ladder, grabbed the cell and began swinging from it and he jumped. Not surprising, Orton moved, Hardy took a horrible spot and smashed through the table. This was unreal. Hardy looked hurt, which WWE said later he suffered abdominal pain and internal bleeding. Orton, much to the dismay of the ref and the crowd, covered Hardy for the 3-count and it was over. I see this spot that Hardy took as a way for him to step away, maybe for good. His brother just retired, he’s getting old, so I would not be shocked. So, thank you Jeff Hardy. Grade: B-.

Smackdown Women’s Championship

Charlotte Flair (c) vs Becky Lynch

This match had a ton of build and I was really excited for it. I hated it. Charlotte is a natural, selling everything. She has had my favorite match of the year against Asuka, hell, Charlotte even made Carmella look good. Becky is usually good, but I was underwhelmed big time. Everything just seemed rushed and it did not look good to me. Becky won, which I expected, and then she continued her heel turn afterwards by refusing to shake Charlotte’s hand. Grade: C.

Raw Tag Team Championship

Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose vs Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre

Easily the match of the night, which has become the PPV expectation for any Seth Rollins match. He delivered big time, yet again. Rollins and Ziggler started it, which Rollins took early advantage, then McIntyre called out Ambrose and the two “enforcers” went at it. These two work so well together. The back and forth, the spots, everything they do looks so natural. Ziggler tags back in and so does Rollins and they explodes. Rollins was working Ziggler and Ziggler tagged in McIntyre and it became clear that their plan was to tire Rollins and not allow Ambrose to enter again, which in a way, worked. At least for a while. Rollins tagged Dean at one point, but the ref was distracted so he didn’t see it. A blockbuster then cleared the way for Rollins to tag Ambrose. Ambrose then proceeded to beat the shit out of McIntyre and Ziggler but couldn’t get the count. Rollins then tried his suicidal, which was caught by Ziggler and McIntyre so Ambrose did it and finished the maneuver. Rollin’s landed a Falcon’s Arrow on Ziggler and Ziggler rolled out of the count at 2.9999 seconds. Rollins then lines up the Curb Stomp but it’s avoided. It continues back and forth until the Shield tries a double superplex which failed then a few blind tags were made so Rollins and Ziggler were the legal wrestlers. McIntyre knocked out Dean and then hit a Claymore on Rollins as he was lifting Ziggler which knocks then both out, Ziggler had a hand over Rollins, got the count and retained the titles. McIntyre then carried Ziggler out of the arena. This isjust the beginning of many fights between the two, and I am so excited for it. Grade: A.

WWE Championship

AJ Styles (c) vs Samoa Joe

To be honest, this sucked. Samoa Joe sucks, this AJ Styles is so boring to watch. I had no interest in this. There was a ton of action, and we have to watch it again because it ended in controversy with Styles retaining on a rollup even though Joe claims Styles tapped out to the Coquina Clutch (which he did) so Joe ran like a baby to Paige and it looks like we’re getting a No DQ match between the two, probably in Australia. I still won’t care. AJ Styles has not had a good feud since John Cena and the 2017 Royal Rumble. I just hate this feud and the whole Samoa Joe calling out AJ’s wife and kid. I have no interest. Let’s just fast forward this to AJ losing to the Miz and then we get The Miz vs Daniel Bryan at Mania. Grade: D.

But he did tap out?

Mix Tag Team Match

Bri Bella and Daniel Bryan vs The Miz and Maryse

To be honest, I was excited for this match only because it was another chance to see the Miz vs Daniel Bryan. I knew Bri and Maryse wouldn’t do much due to Maryse having a kid recently, and that held true. Miz and Bryan essentially had a replicated SummerSlam match with a few actions from Bri beating up the Miz. It was okay, it was a silly match and a silly ending with Bri attempting to roll up Maryse but she flipped it and the Miz and Maryse won via pinfall. This keeps the rivalry alive between Miz and Bryan, as they fight again in Australia. So, in typical WWE fashion, they’ll ruin a good feud that everyone wanted to see. Grade: C.

Raw Women’s Championship

Ronda Rousey (c) vs Alexa Bliss

This match was a lot better than I anticipated. Alexa brought out Mickie James and Alicia Fox out with her, while Rousey brought Natalya. It could’ve been over very soon when Rousey attempted an early armbar, but James pulled Alexa away, countering the move. Alexa actually put up a really good fight, considering being killed at SummerSlam. She attacked Rousey’s injured ribs a ton, attempted a dive which Rousey caught and caused Alexa to take out her team ringside. Alexa kept going at the ribs and Rousey attempted to reverse it but failed the first time and then counter a superplex and Alexa hit a dropkick. Alexa then wrapped Rousey around the ring, further injuring the ribs. Bliss started taunted Rousey and damn she should not have. Rousey went full ‘roid rage and landing tons of combinations on Alexa, making her weak and eventually led to anarmbar for Rousey as she retained the championship. A much better fight than the Smackdown, which shocked me. Grade: A-.

Raw Universal Championship

Roman Reigns (c) vs Braun Strowman

Special Referee: Mick Foley

This was a huge clusterfuck. The match was subpar at best. Braun chose his cash in at a PPV but set it up weeks in advance, so he had a healthy, prepared Reigns which made no sense. It was your typical Braun is so big and strong match followed by a few holy shit how is Roman alive and landing Superman punches. Honestly, Braun won this match twice but Mick Foley claims he didn’t get Reigns for the full 3 seconds. After the second “2.9” count, Braun sets up a table and Roman spears him through it (very predictable) then all hell breaks loose. For some reason McIntyre and Ziggler come storming down trying to get into the Cell, which of course is followed by Rollins and Ambrose right behind them. They fight forever and for some reason climb to the top of the cell and fight up there (which was awesome, I’ll admit that). Ambrose brings a stick and beats the shit out of Ziggler and McIntyre grabs it, which causes Ambrose and him to fight continuously. Then Rollins and Ziggler climb down, hit each off the Cell and they take out the announcer tables. Then out of nowhere, Brock Lesnar decides to show up. He kicks in the Hell in the Cell door and explodes in there, knocking out both Reigns and Strowman causing the match to end in a no contest. This match was crazy, because of the run-ins. I, for one, am pumped about the future Shield vs Braun/Ziggler/McIntyre matches and storyline. But what the hell is Brock doing? Hopefully we’ll get some answers on Raw tonight. Grade: C+ (would’ve been a D without the Run-ins).

Overall Score: C+/B-. The PPV was not bad, I may be more critical than most. I just hate the current Smackdown title situations, I feel as if they are misusing everyone. Why wouldn’t the Bar or the Usos face the New Day? It would’ve been the match of the night. Becky and Charlotte was boring, and AJ needs to lose the title. They butchered the whole Nakaura feud and they’re ruining Samoa Joe as well. Hopefully things change, see you for the WWE Super Show-Down October 6th.

Is Somebody Stealing Powers From NFL QBs?

I’m really not trying to be dramatic when I say this; someone has stolen powers from several quarterbacks in the NFL. Quarterbacks who normally perform well, especially against garbage teams. But this past weekend, fell flat. I can’t say definitively who stole them, but I have some culprits. I know stats are for losers, but I really need them for this take.

Ben Roethlisberger. The quarterback who has won more games in Cleveland than anyone else in the NFL… including Browns quarterbacks. He returned to his kingdom this past weekend where he was certain to reclaim his throne. Only to realize, he is going to have to share it. Big Ben ended the Browns streak of losses by throwing 3 interceptions, only 1 touchdown, and the game in the last 2 minutes. Not to mention his QBR of 60. As a starting QB in the NFL, an unwritten rule is that you have to beat the Browns. I guess he also didn’t lose to them, but that was embarrassing. Analysts are already projecting him to bounce back, but I am not holding my breath. Until his powers are returned, Big Ben is in more trouble than anyone in the bathroom with him.

Matt Stafford. Nobody really thinks of this guy as the best QB in the league, but he is definitely top 15. The last two years, he only threw 10 interceptions per season. He used to take care of the ball… that was, until he lost/ was robbed of his powers. This past Monday, He threw 4 interceptions to the Jets. THE JETS. In fact, his fourth favorite receiver was the Jets defense. How in the world do you let that happen? His QBR was 47.9 which is one of the worst I’ve seen for a normally good quarterback. In this case I’m not really sure if he can bounce back. We will have to see next week against the 49ers.

Derek Carr. Bear with me, now. Carr has had a pretty good career when you look back through the years. 3,000 yards with a least 20 TD’s a season has got to be worth something. Now, let’s give him one of the best quarterback coaches in the NFL and see how much better it makes him. What? That didn’t work? Maybe because it isn’t the same Derek Carr. Yes, I realize that the Rams defense is incredible, but no defense makes you underthrow receivers by 15 yards on a simple out route or make you forget what Amari Cooper looks like. Just like Big Ben, he threw 3 interceptions, but had no touchdowns and somehow had the highest QBR out of these three with 62.

Now, you’re probably wondering who could have done this. Was it the aliens from Moron Mountain like in Space Jam or was it some evil genius who needs to make a comeback? Let’s discuss. I have two main suspects. Both who suck. First, Eli(te) Manning. He’s been on a pretty bad downward spiral for the last couple seasons. Especially last year when he threw 19 touchdowns and 13 interceptions. One of his worst years ever. But how did he do it? You cannot convince me that the weird shape of his head developed somewhere on Earth. I’m not buying it. He probably has the glowing football somewhere in his locker.

Next culprit, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Totally garbage quarterback who has no business starting for any team, but was the only option this week in Tampa because Winston, like Big Ben, likes to sexually assault women. This past Sunday, Fitz completely lit it up against the Saints, with 417 yards, 4 TD’s, and no picks with a QBR of 156.3. Unprecedented. Now, how did he do it. Well, it just so happens he is the only QB smart enough to do it. After all, he went to Harvard. The Harvard grad must have invented something to transfer these powers to him. And now, this smug benchwarmer in all his Harvardness is about to have himself an MVP season. Stay away from Case Keenum, Fitz.

*Note: Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard. Also, keep an eye on Matt Ryan, who still has yet to play his best game of 2017.

How Could OBJ Play This Year?

Odell Beckham Jr. is one of the best players in this year’s NFL. A top 3 wide receiver depending on who you ask. A top 1 wide out if you ask Parmesan Don (@soft7parm) and I’m inclined to agree with him. During this past offseason, his was given a monster new deal from the Giants for 5 years, $95 million, making him the highest paid receiver in the league. Think about how many hotel rooms and white substances that can buy. There has been a lot of speculation about how his play is going to vary after last year’s injury. Two scenarios: OBJ is going to play like he just got PAID, or like he just got paid…

If OBJ plays like he just got paid… then expect him to play like he did the first 4 games last year. Statswise, he was okay for those games, but also received a hefty load of the targets. He had to come down with a couple of those balls. Beckham wasn’t jumping as high, his cuts weren’t as clean, and his hands were not as sticky as they always were. There were many drops last year that were simply unacceptable. Including 2 vs. the Packers that would have gone for touchdowns. Did he drown during the boat day and have a new worse OBJ take his place? Did the white substance in the hotel room slow him down in some way? I hope not. The NFL is so much more fun with Beckham choke slamming cornerbacks. I’m hoping for the former of the two options.

My guess is that Odell plays like he just got PAID this season. This means that he will be back to his old ways. The same guy that was making one handed catches while being interfered with that would make Randy Moss’ jaw drop. I want him to have the best year of his career. So good that Eli(te) will be brought back into the Top 15 discussion. So good that he is on the dust on sight list for every cornerback on an NFL roster and the practice squad. After that first game of the season with 11 receptions and 111 yards, I think he will be incredible. If he can stay healthy, he will have 130 receptions, 1,540 yards, and 20 touchdowns.

Alabama Can’t Not Win It All

Alabama is once again the best team in college football. They have been so good for so long that saying they will win the championship after just 2 games isn’t even a hot take anymore. They have the best coach, best running backs, and of course, the best defense. But this year they have added yet another weapon. A weapon that should be illegal for Nick Saban to possess. That weapon is Tua Tagovailoa. Finally, a competent quarterback in Tuscaloosa. This team is flat out unstoppable. If their defense stays as consistent as they always are and Saban stops playing Hurts in serious situations, Bama will be just fine. In fact, I cannot see very many teams on their schedule coming within 20 points of them.

So far this season, Alabama has already completely obliterated Louisville and Arkansas State by a combined score of 108-21. Now, I realize that those wins aren’t too impressive, but they held Louisville to only 11 rushing yards and Tua looked incredible. Definitely showed that he is the sole starter. Bama won’t be tested again until November. Their next games until then are against Ole Miss, Texas A&M, UL Lafayette, Arkansas, Missouri, and Tennessee. Get ready to see some blood baths. Okay, I know that Texas A&M gave Clemson a pretty good game, but I don’t think that is relevant. Clemson is nowhere near as good as Alabama. Yes, they are the number 2 team in the nation, but the 1-2 divide is incredibly vast. They are only there because technically someone has to be. The aggies aren’t anything I would worry about.

The last 4 games of the season will by far be the toughest for Bama. They play LSU, Mississippi State, The Citadel, and Auburn. First, LSU is tough this year. Love me some tigers. Love me some Coach O. Orgeron has his team looking the best I have seen in a while. They even found their missing link. Just like Bama, it’s a competent quarterback. Jordan Burrows is great, but I still don’t think he can put up enough points to outlast the Alabama offense. I wouldn’t worry about Mississippi State. They’ll beat The Citadel by 60. I’m not sure why Bama always schedules a super easy team right at the end of their schedule. Last is Auburn. I know that anything can happen in a rivalry game, especially the Iron Bowl, but Auburn had trouble putting up 21 points against a Pac 12 defense. If that is indicative of anything, it’s that Alabama is going to run them for a 40-point blowout. Just calling it how I see it.

Let’s jump to the postseason. The Tide will most likely play Georgia in the SEC Championship. This will be a good test, but here’s why I know Alabama will win. Georgia is not the same team as last year. Yes, they reloaded and they still have Hot Rod Blankenship, but they lost key players like Nick Chubb, Sony Michel, and Roquan Smith. Plus, Tua is going to play the entire game this time around. Now for the College Football Playoff. No need to worry about those choke artists from Madison. They only team I can see giving Bama a real game is Ohio State, but they rely too much on their speed and Alabama just so happens to have the only defense fast enough to keep up with them. On top of that, the buckeyes defense cannot stop a dominant balanced attack like Alabama has. In other words, it’s in the bag.

Please help me in congratulating you 2019 CFB Champions: the Alabama Crimson Tide.

Alabama IS Missing the College Football Playoffs this Year

Alabama seems to go undefeated every year, and I’m sick of it! Luckily for me, and literally everyone in the world except for people from that dump of a state they call Alabama, they are going to lose some games this year, and I don’t even think they make the National Championship this year. Fingers crossed.

Here is the Tide’s schedule:

Sept. 1 – Louisville

Sept. 8 – Arkansas State

Sept. 15 – at Ole Miss

Sept. 22 – Texas A&M

Sept. 29 – UL Lafayette

Oct. 6 – at Arkansas

Oct. 13 – Missouri

Oct. 20 – at Tennessee

Oct. 27 – Bye

Nov. 3 – at LSU

Nov. 10 – Mississippi State

Nov. 17 – The Citadel

Nov. 24 – Auburn

Ok, so we know they are 2-0 going into Saturday’s game against Ole Miss.That’s obvious. After their first game of the season it seemed like everyone assumed the Tide were up to their usual stuff, and that’s winning football games and by a lot. I watched that Louisville-Alabama game and I hate to break it to y’all, I don’t think they looked that good. What I saw was Nick Saban running up the score against a young, and if we’re being honest, bad Louisville Cardinals football team. No Lamar Jackson and Jaire Alexander really makes a different for their game plan, and it showed. Jalen Hurts, and it’s obvious, is not good, and as long as Nick Saban keeps up with this ridiculous game plan, then I think teams can make it close and maybe even beat them. I also don’t see any real threats on their offense or someone in their defense that scares me enough to think otherwise. You may say, “Oh, Parm what are you talking about they have Tua”. Ok yeah sure they have Tua, but the dude has literally only played 2 and a half games of college football. Even in those full games he split time. Also the first two games of this season have been cake for them. Tua probably played better talent in high school. Looking at how strong the SEC West is this year and all the games they have to play I can easily see them losing 2 or maybe even 3 games. Luckily for them, that will be the only struggle they will have because they schedule such easy teams so that they don’t lose any more. So the teams that I think Alabama may lose to are at Ole Miss (this weekend, look out!), Texas A&M, at LSU, andAuburn.

Ole Miss may not be ranked but their offense is electric. The wide receiving core may be the best I have seen in awhile. They are big, fast, and physical. Alabama’s defense has not been tested like this in a while, or at least this year. I’d say look out for that one. Texas A&M has a new head coach in town and he’s made A&M watchable again. I think that this game will be very close and it all depends on who scores last. If Alabama beats Ole Miss this weekend then look out for a loss from them the next when they play Texas A&M. LSU at home might be the hardest game to play for any team. That environment is the best in the country. If it is a night game then you can absolutely forget about it. LSU might have the best defense in the country this year, and it seems like they have picked up where they left off on stellar running game with Nick Brossette. Also with an actually capable QB that can read defenses and make smart plays, I can see this game being a very tough game for the Tide. This Auburn game is obviously a big one. It doesn’t seem to matter if either team is good it’s always close. Auburn is very good this year, and their play against Washington showed that their defense is too. I think that both teams will be trying to get into the SEC Championship game as well and that will create a lot of anticipation for that game. I think Alabama will finish the year 10-2 and miss the college football playoffs.