EPL Kick Fix: Matchday 10

Manchester City v. Tottenham– 1:0

This game was incredibly frustrating to watch as a Spurs fan. Trippier made a huge mistake lunging for a ball that led to the only goal on the game in the 6th minute. Very uncharacteristic of Trippier, but great finish by Mahrez. Spurs had every opportunity to equalize. Kane, who should have at least 9 goals at this point, took heavy touch after heavy touch ruining several chances on goal. Sissoko also had every chance to do something to make me hate him less, but squandered every opportunity by passing to directly to Man City. The most frustrating thing about Man City was that they were doing almost everything perfectly while wearing Phoenix Suns Summer League kits. Christ on a bike those things were ugly and honestly took away from the game. For Spurs, the most frustrating thing was the fact that Christian Erikson and Dele Alli came on as subs way too late in the game. I know they are just getting over injuries, but they are far too important to keep off the field. Minor set back for the eventual champions.

Main takeaway: Kyle Walker is a certified bitch.

Liverpool v. Cardiff– 4:1

Of course, Salah scored the first goal of the game. Liverpool had almost everything go their way. Every loose ball in the box was falling directly at a striker’s feet. If you need more evidence that Liverpool dominated this game other than the score line, they also had 80% possession.

Manchester United v. Everton– 2:1

I would like to cordially invite Paul Pogba to go fuck himself. Even though he scored immediately after, I am so glad Pickford saved his penalty kick. His 5 minute approach should be punishable by being sold to Swansea. I’m convinced that half of the time he has spent at Man U has been him sneaking up on the ball. Anyway, second goal of the game also went to Man U. I would now like to congratulate Anthony Martial on scoring a goal from a pass that was actually meant for him instead of poaching errant passes. Everton finally got their goal from a PK in the 77th minute resulting in a 2:1 finish, but I really believe this should have ended in a tie. I don’t want to call match fixing, but I do want to call home cooking on the Red Devils. A whole lot of missed calls in the box.

Chelsea v. Burnley– 4:0

This was the weekend of stupid kits, I see. Chelsea rolled up in a highlighter yellow kit with royal blue socks and I could not have been more disgusted. Their kit designer would have been Bloke of the Week if they had not been joined by Man City’s eyesores. Looking like a packet of blue raspberry lemonade Kool-aid. Enough about the kits, let’s get to the game. Morata got a much needed confidence boost in the 22nd minute assisted by Ross Barkley. Barkley then followed that up with a rocket of his own from 25 yards out. Last two goals were from Willian and Ruben Clappin-Cheeks.

Crystal Palace v. Arsenal– 2:2

There is an inverse relationship between Arsenal winning and my happiness. No win for Arsenal this weekend, so I am happy. They really should have lost, but a tie will do. I am not sure if they underestimated Crystal Palace or what happened, but I didn’t recognize half of their starters. Arsenal, hilariously, gave up two penalties and really had their backs against the wall. They controlled possession and had the lead for a while, but gave up 16 shots and plenty more chances.

Weekly Awards:

Brilliant Lad: Ross Barkley (Chelsea)- this lad has been on an absolute tear lately. He scored his third goal in three weeks against Burnley and also assisted on Alvaro Morata’s goal.

Absolute Firecracker: Granit Xhaka (Arsenal)- Free kick from way outside the box to the far post in the 51st minute to bring them level with Crystal Palace.

Bloke of the Week: Mauricio Pochettino (Manager-Tottenham)- Could have played his best players against the second best team in the EPL (behind Spurs, of course), but decided to sit Christian Erikson and Dele Alli for almost the entire game.

If you have any other teams you would like me to cover, please comment them and I will do my best to write heavily biased opinions about them.


EPL Kick Fix Matchday 9

Thank God International Break is finally over. It is so pointless to send the best players in the world back home for a weekend just to have them play Belarus or Narnia when they could keep playing each other. Oh well, back to the EPL we go. I will not be reviewing the Arsenal game, because they decided to play later on a Monday. Sorry Gunners, you guys are assholes.

Liverpool vs. Huddersfield: 1-0

Not too much to talk about on this game. As expected Salah had the game’s only goal. It was beautiful too. Just a quick poke past the keeper in full stride. Classy touch, cheeky finish, other British stuff. After that goal, Liverpool kinda just chilled for the rest of the game. Huddersfield had several scary attacks including two shots from well outside the box that would have definitely been the front-runners for Absolute Firecracker of the Week. Throw in a couple missed handballs in the box and you have a very distraught Huddersfield side. And this was just the first half. Liverpool better not let Salah go unless they get some significant pounds in return. They looked lost on every break that did not include him. Everything would fall apart then midfielders would look around aimlessly for their safety valve. All second half, it looked like everyone except Alison and Salah forgot how to play soccer (or football; shut up). Huddersfield really dominated the second half from what I saw and had every chance to win this game, but just could not find the back of the net. Really exposed a lot of weaknesses for Liverpool but a good 3 points regardless.

Chelsea vs. Manchester United: 2-2

Of course, Eden Hazard was involved in the first goal of the game with a beautiful corner kick to Antonio Rudiger. Awesome play by Chelsea, but my only concern is with Man U. Why in the world would you trust that twig bitch Paul Pogba to mark a centerback on a corner? Doesn’t make any sense. Many more chances come to Chelsea, but are ultimately squandered by poor touches from David Luis and Marcos Alonso. Finally, Anthony Martial puts Man United on the board in the 55th minute in the most Anthony Martial way possible. Having the ball magically land at his feet for an easy finish. Luckiest dude in all of soccer. The same kind of this happens for Man U’s second goal too. Rashford was not even looking in Martial’s direction and an errant pass lands perfectly at his feet. This one was actually a decent finish, but that is beside the point. Thankfully, Man U does not come out of this with 3 points. Chelsea’s lord and savior, Ross Barkley, gets his second goal in two matches in the 96th minute. My favorite part of this match was seeing how poorly Jose Mourinho handled the late goal. If you can’t tell by now, I really hate Man U and everything they stand for.

Manchester City vs. Burnley: 5-0

Just your weekly dose of Man City domination. Some controversy though. In the 54th minute Man City scored their second goal after a City player went down in the box and a play on was instructed by the official. Burnley just stopped and Bernardo Silva tapped in an easy goal. Joe Hart never had a chance. Immediately after, City puts away another beautiful goal from Fernandinho into the top right corner. Joe Hart, again, never had a chance. Best goal of the game came in the 83rd minute. Mahrez curled a long range shot with his left foot into the top left corner of the goal. Joe Hart didn’t even try. Wouldn’t have mattered anyway. There is definitely a trend going on here. Despite the score line, Hart did not play that bad. He really had no shot in stopping most of these goals.

West Ham vs. Tottenham: 0-1

Erik Lamela scores the game’s only goal right before halftime. I swear this was the first time I had seen him score in several years. Really nothing else to talk about in this game. Spurs have been flat out boring lately. You get one goal, a couple decent saves from Lloris, and at least one guaranteed ridiculously stupid tackle. Why complain though? We won and got 3 points closer to winning the cup. #SpursYear.

Weekly Awards

Briliant Lad: Mo Salah (Liverpool). He was the only player holding that team together and pretty much won that game by himself. True class.

Absolute Firecracker- Goal from Mahrez (Man City). This goal in the 83rd minute was incredible. My English friend tells me that long goals like this are call “thundercunts” but I am hesitant to believe that.

Bloke of the week: this one goes to the entire defense of Burnley for the goal they gave up in the 54th minute to Man City. Here in America we play until the whistle blows and even after sometimes. These jabronies just straight up stopped playing. So all 11 of you get the bloke of the week award. Congrats, morons.

Tottenham’s Year

On this day 136 years ago, my favorite English Premier League team, Tottenham Hotspur, was founded. I’ve always followed the EPL, since it is the best league, but never had an English team I truly rooted for until I noticed something about Spurs. They became the team I was sad to see lose. That’s basically what fandom is, really. After a two whole years of being a Spurs fan, I am completely over seeing them do well and choke like the English equivalent of Oklahoma Sooners football. After all, I’m an American and I want my gratification now.

Full disclosure, I am first a Bayern Munich fan. However, they don’t exactly need any help winning the weak AF German Bundesliga. So my efforts are going to be directed towards North London. To my favorite EPL team. Since I started this website with my buddy, Parmesan Don, and named it Soft 7 Sports, I feel like I need to support the teams that remind me of myself. The soft 7’s. And Tottenham is just that, but in sports form. No one is necessarily going to say they are incredible, but also no one is going to call them ugly.

So, Tottenham, I want to give you something for your 136th birthday. No, it’s not money and sadly I cannot play right back for you. I have to run a blog. The best I can offer is to try to make Tottenham a trend here in the states with the tag line: Spurs Year. Spurs have finished second or third in the EPL for the past couple years which may be good enough for Champions League, but not for me. I’ve rooted for Spurs far too long to have not seen a championship.

I’m giving this the Wic guarantee. 100% certainty that this has a 0% chance to fail. I don’t care how good Man City is and I don’t care how Spurs can’t match up with Liverpool. They can have next year. This is Spurs Year.

Happy Birthday, Spurs.

EPL Kick Fix Matchday #8

I’ve been wanting to write about the English Premier League for a while now, but it’s been hectic around here at Soft 7 Sports with the most dramatic, petty NFL season to date. It took all the way to matchday 8, but I can finally write about some footy. This review will normally come out on Monday and will cover the only teams that matter: Arsenal, Chelsea, Tottenham, Manchester United, Manchester City, and Liverpool. After the review, I will announce the winners of three awards. So, let’s get started.

Fulham v. Arsenal: 1-5

This was a very nice try by Fulham, but Arsenal just ended up being too much for them in the end. Fulham attacked early and often but let themselves open to counter-attacks all day. I am actually very surprised that it took the Gunners until around the 40th minute to find the back of the net. Lacazette opened up the scoring with two goals, followed by a sweet, sweet backheel by Aaron Ramsey and Aubameyang scoring two goals himself. Fulham obviously had their chances with 21 shots but only 4 were on target. One of which was scored by Andre Schurrle. Major takeaway from this game: when the hell did Andre Schurrle start playing for Fulham? I was just getting used to him on Dortmund.

Southampton v. Chelsea: 0-3

Chelsea looked awesome in this game and I am not just talking about those sweet ice blue kits with the traffic cone orange socks. Really not a lot to say about Southampton, there never is, Chelsea was in control for the entirety of the game. Hazard was remarkable with one incredible finish and another assist at the end to seal the game. It seemed like almost every big chance they had, Hazard was a major part of it. Ross Barkley also got his first goal of his Chelsea career from a possibly accidental assist from Giroud. If he meant to do that then that would be a top 5 assist of the season. Lastly, Alvaro Morata, who had been struggling for a while, got a much-needed goal at the end of the game from Hazard. Huge confidence boost.

Tottenham v. Cardiff City: 1-0

Jesus, what an absolute snooze of a game. I love watching Tottenham play, but this was hard to watch. Not regular season baseball hard, but aside from the moments I am about to mention, it dragged on for 85 of the 90 minutes. Spurs jumped out to an early 1-0 lead after a point-blank tap in by Eric Dier which was the only goal of the game. Tottenham then completely took over by controlling 75% of possession. Cardiff City did have a couple chances but did not do themselves any favors whatsoever. Their best chance was in the 23’ when a chipped ball over Lloris fell just short of the end line before being booted away by Toby Alderweireld in dramatic fashion. Cardiff also really shot themselves in the foot when they were forced down to 10 men after a red card was shown to Joe Ralls. My jaw dropped when I saw that tackle. It was soon followed by uncontrolled laughter. I wanted to make sure Lucas Moura was okay, but then I could not help myself at how ridiculous that challenge was. My favorite part was when he was surprised that he was being sent off. If you haven’t had the chance to see it, I can describe it in two words: hilariously malicious. Great 3 points for the eventual champions. #SpursYear.

Manchester United v. Newcastle: 3-2

It feels good not having to care about Newcastle for the time being now that Deandre Yedlin is injured. It was getting exhausting. The first 10 minutes of this game, however, was dominated by them. In just those 10 minutes, Newcastle jumped out to a 2-0 lead. Sadly, this was the last time they would score all game. Manchester United did not have a lot going for them until late. Newcastle held that 2-0 lead until the 70th minute when Juan Mata curled in a free kick from just outside the box. I wish I could have seen how badly Jose Mourinho was sweating on that sideline. Two more late goals from Martial and Alexis Sanchez put Man U ahead of Newcastle in heartbreaking fashion. There is one thing that Newcastle did very well this game and that is choking. Way to go, guys.

Liverpool v. Manchester City: 0-0

This game was so even all match long. Liverpool had 7 shots, Man City had 6; Liverpool had 2 shots on goal, Man City had 2 shots on goal; Liverpool had 49% possession, Man City had 51% because that’s how math works. I expected a tie from this game, but I thought it would be something like 3-3 or 2-2. With the weapons that each side has, there should never be a game where they don’t score. Both clubs missed several chances. Salah had two notable openings that he would normally put away but ended up skying them well over the crossbar. The most notable chance for Man City was a penalty kick in the very late stages of the game. Mahrez was the one chosen to take the PK and, like Salah, kicked it into the 12th row. I’m no soccer tactician, but when you have David Silva and Leroy Sane on the pitch, Mahrez may not be your best option when you need someone to score.

Award time. Like I said before there would be three awards every week. First is for best performance or player of the week, known as the “Brilliant Lad” award, then there is the “Absolute Firecracker” award for best goal named after the famous call from Ian Darke in the 2010 World Cup and finally, the “Bloke of the Week” for the biggest jabroney on the pitch all weekend.

Brilliant Lad: Eden Hazard (Chelsea)- one goal, one assist

Absolute Firecracker: Aaron Ramsey (Arsenal)- backheel

Bloke of the Week- Joe Ralls (Cardiff City)- No regard for human life with his challenge on Lucas Moura that warranted a red card and put his team down to 10 men.