Dan Bailey Is Only Winner From New QB Hit Rule

I’ve been working on this take for a couple days now. My bedroom looks like room of a detective who continued to work a serial killer case he/she was told to drop with all the pictures and red string on my wall. So, buckle up because we have some dots to connect. Seven months ago, Dan Bailey was released by the Cowboys after suffering a groin injury that resulted in poor performance. Since then, he claims to have received interest from several teams, but has remained a free agent. Until now. Let’s look at the chain of events that led to the hiring of Kicker Dan Bailey by the Minnesota Vikings.

This past weekend, The Minnesota Vikings played the Green Bay Packers. The game ended in the second tie already in this year’s NFL season after several missed field goals, three of which by then Vikings Kicker, Daniel Carlson. Out of the three misses by Carlson, one was in the final seconds of overtime which led to his immediate release from the team. The Vikings had to act quick though as the Browns had just released their Kicker, Zane Gonzalez. Within a day or so, Dan Bailey was already signed by Minnesota and will be in action this upcoming weekend. Seems pretty clear cut, right? A Kicker completely blows a win so he is cut and replaced by the best kicker in free agency. This case is not so simple though.

No one should blame Daniel Carlson for losing his job last week. Yes, he should have made that field goal and won the game, but he should have never been in that situation to begin with. If I am going to place blame anywhere or give a reason as to why Dan Bailey has a job, I have to look elsewhere. At the rule book. This last offseason, the NFL implemented what I like to call, the “Aaron Rodgers Rule.” This where you cannot, as a defender, ever touch the quarterback without it resulting in a 15-yard penalty. On the most crucial drive of the fourth quarter, Kirk Cousins dropped back to pass and began his throwing motion. Before the ball was released, the NFL’s resident monster, Clay Matthews, made a perfect form tackle on Cousins where he did not hit him too high or too low and did not drive him into the ground or impose his body weight on him, whatever that means. Yet, a penalty for roughing the passer was still called.

That pass was intercepted by Louisville’s own Jaire Alexander. Sadly, his first career interception was taken away, because of that atrocious call. That should have been the end of the game. But, no. A couple plays later, Cousins throws a touchdown to Adam Thielen and then a 2-point conversion to tie up the game and bring it to overtime. This was where Carlson’s fate was sealed and, since the game ended in a tie, Dan Bailey became the first player to truly benefit from the new no-touch quarterback rule.

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I Don’t Hate That Vontae Davis Quits

This past Sunday, we all watched in confusion as the second half of the Bills vs. Chargers game started and a certain Bills cornerback refused to come back on the field. Was Vontae Davis injured? Is he being benched? Nope. Dude retired halfway through the game. Kind of a dick move, but I understand where Davis is coming from. He’s getting up there in age and was probably going to retire at the end of the season anyway. The Bills also had no shot at coming back from a 28-6 deficit. So why not play a round of Next Man Up? Let next year’s starter have a shot in a game with no pressure. The Bills actually only gave up 3 points in the second half.

To be completely honest, I thought this was hilarious. My man pulled the ultimate 5 year old move and took his ball and went home. Not only do I respect this move, but also I wish that more players would do it. Like the next time Ben Roethlisberger gets lit up because of a missed blocking assignment, he should be able to hobble off the field into his walking boot then into his car. The next time Brandon Knight gets dunked on by a guard that is significantly smaller than him; back to the locker room. After Barry Bonds hit home run 756, he should have shook hands with everyone on the field then back to the clubhouse.

Now, between Parmesan Don, Juice, I; a lot of things get by us in the real world. But not in the sports world. I am so on to you, Vontae Davis. This was his plan all along. He signed a one-year contract for $5 million during the off season and all he had to do to get that full $5 million was make the opening day roster. Nothing in his contract said he had to play every game. He was just waiting for a situation bad enough for him to walk away and it was inevitable that the Bills were going to provide him with that. Vontae Davis has successfully bamboozled the Buffalo Bills out of millions of dollars.

Russell Wilson’s O-Line Hates Him

First off, I do not like Russell Wilson at all. Not only does he make it a point to underperform specifically on the weeks that I start him in fantasy, but also he went to Wisconsin. He’s a badger… and he acts like it. Ya know, just a smug arrogance despite never winning anything. I know these are really petty reasons to dislike someone, but boy, does it feel good to not be alone. His o-line hates him too. The Seahawks’ running game has been trash all season, so it has forced Head Coach Pete Carroll to switch to a pass-heavy offense. As it turns out, Wilson’s line can’t pass block either. This begs the question, “Can’t? or Won’t?”

So far this season, Wilson has been sacked 12 times which leads the NFL, I assume. I know that they have played some stellar defenses in the Denver Broncos and the Chicago Kahlil Macks, but right now, he is on pace to be sacked 96 times this season. Also an NFL record, I assume. Being a mobile quarterback, Wilson is already much more prone to being sacked than a typical pocket passer. HOWEVVA *Stephen A. Smith voice* it has never been this bad. The most he has been sacked in a season is 45 times. Now, he’s already over a quarter of the way there in 2 games? I’m onto you, Seattle o-line. I don’t like him either, but this is your job.

So, let’s discuss why Wilson’s offensive line hates him. There have been numerous occasions when teammates of his have spoken out against the favorable treatment Wilson gets from Pete Carroll. Rodger Sherman has made that pretty clear. In fact, an article from Business Insider Sports claims, “teammates privately seem to want him exposed.” The article cites favorable treatment as one of the top reasons. Trouble in paradise? I don’t know. He’s the quarterback; of course he gets favorable treatment. I think it’s just that he’s a douche. I think it’s that badger smugness I mentioned earlier. He’s married to Ciara. Cool. He won one Superbowl riding the coattails of one of the best defenses of all time. So did Trent Dilfer, move along. Now even with a trash team, he still carries himself like a Top 5 quarterback. Wilson, I hate you and I’m glad your offensive line does too.

Is Somebody Stealing Powers From NFL QBs?

I’m really not trying to be dramatic when I say this; someone has stolen powers from several quarterbacks in the NFL. Quarterbacks who normally perform well, especially against garbage teams. But this past weekend, fell flat. I can’t say definitively who stole them, but I have some culprits. I know stats are for losers, but I really need them for this take.

Ben Roethlisberger. The quarterback who has won more games in Cleveland than anyone else in the NFL… including Browns quarterbacks. He returned to his kingdom this past weekend where he was certain to reclaim his throne. Only to realize, he is going to have to share it. Big Ben ended the Browns streak of losses by throwing 3 interceptions, only 1 touchdown, and the game in the last 2 minutes. Not to mention his QBR of 60. As a starting QB in the NFL, an unwritten rule is that you have to beat the Browns. I guess he also didn’t lose to them, but that was embarrassing. Analysts are already projecting him to bounce back, but I am not holding my breath. Until his powers are returned, Big Ben is in more trouble than anyone in the bathroom with him.

Matt Stafford. Nobody really thinks of this guy as the best QB in the league, but he is definitely top 15. The last two years, he only threw 10 interceptions per season. He used to take care of the ball… that was, until he lost/ was robbed of his powers. This past Monday, He threw 4 interceptions to the Jets. THE JETS. In fact, his fourth favorite receiver was the Jets defense. How in the world do you let that happen? His QBR was 47.9 which is one of the worst I’ve seen for a normally good quarterback. In this case I’m not really sure if he can bounce back. We will have to see next week against the 49ers.

Derek Carr. Bear with me, now. Carr has had a pretty good career when you look back through the years. 3,000 yards with a least 20 TD’s a season has got to be worth something. Now, let’s give him one of the best quarterback coaches in the NFL and see how much better it makes him. What? That didn’t work? Maybe because it isn’t the same Derek Carr. Yes, I realize that the Rams defense is incredible, but no defense makes you underthrow receivers by 15 yards on a simple out route or make you forget what Amari Cooper looks like. Just like Big Ben, he threw 3 interceptions, but had no touchdowns and somehow had the highest QBR out of these three with 62.

Now, you’re probably wondering who could have done this. Was it the aliens from Moron Mountain like in Space Jam or was it some evil genius who needs to make a comeback? Let’s discuss. I have two main suspects. Both who suck. First, Eli(te) Manning. He’s been on a pretty bad downward spiral for the last couple seasons. Especially last year when he threw 19 touchdowns and 13 interceptions. One of his worst years ever. But how did he do it? You cannot convince me that the weird shape of his head developed somewhere on Earth. I’m not buying it. He probably has the glowing football somewhere in his locker.

Next culprit, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Totally garbage quarterback who has no business starting for any team, but was the only option this week in Tampa because Winston, like Big Ben, likes to sexually assault women. This past Sunday, Fitz completely lit it up against the Saints, with 417 yards, 4 TD’s, and no picks with a QBR of 156.3. Unprecedented. Now, how did he do it. Well, it just so happens he is the only QB smart enough to do it. After all, he went to Harvard. The Harvard grad must have invented something to transfer these powers to him. And now, this smug benchwarmer in all his Harvardness is about to have himself an MVP season. Stay away from Case Keenum, Fitz.

*Note: Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard. Also, keep an eye on Matt Ryan, who still has yet to play his best game of 2017.

How Could OBJ Play This Year?

Odell Beckham Jr. is one of the best players in this year’s NFL. A top 3 wide receiver depending on who you ask. A top 1 wide out if you ask Parmesan Don (@soft7parm) and I’m inclined to agree with him. During this past offseason, his was given a monster new deal from the Giants for 5 years, $95 million, making him the highest paid receiver in the league. Think about how many hotel rooms and white substances that can buy. There has been a lot of speculation about how his play is going to vary after last year’s injury. Two scenarios: OBJ is going to play like he just got PAID, or like he just got paid…

If OBJ plays like he just got paid… then expect him to play like he did the first 4 games last year. Statswise, he was okay for those games, but also received a hefty load of the targets. He had to come down with a couple of those balls. Beckham wasn’t jumping as high, his cuts weren’t as clean, and his hands were not as sticky as they always were. There were many drops last year that were simply unacceptable. Including 2 vs. the Packers that would have gone for touchdowns. Did he drown during the boat day and have a new worse OBJ take his place? Did the white substance in the hotel room slow him down in some way? I hope not. The NFL is so much more fun with Beckham choke slamming cornerbacks. I’m hoping for the former of the two options.

My guess is that Odell plays like he just got PAID this season. This means that he will be back to his old ways. The same guy that was making one handed catches while being interfered with that would make Randy Moss’ jaw drop. I want him to have the best year of his career. So good that Eli(te) will be brought back into the Top 15 discussion. So good that he is on the dust on sight list for every cornerback on an NFL roster and the practice squad. After that first game of the season with 11 receptions and 111 yards, I think he will be incredible. If he can stay healthy, he will have 130 receptions, 1,540 yards, and 20 touchdowns.

Alabama Can’t Not Win It All

Alabama is once again the best team in college football. They have been so good for so long that saying they will win the championship after just 2 games isn’t even a hot take anymore. They have the best coach, best running backs, and of course, the best defense. But this year they have added yet another weapon. A weapon that should be illegal for Nick Saban to possess. That weapon is Tua Tagovailoa. Finally, a competent quarterback in Tuscaloosa. This team is flat out unstoppable. If their defense stays as consistent as they always are and Saban stops playing Hurts in serious situations, Bama will be just fine. In fact, I cannot see very many teams on their schedule coming within 20 points of them.

So far this season, Alabama has already completely obliterated Louisville and Arkansas State by a combined score of 108-21. Now, I realize that those wins aren’t too impressive, but they held Louisville to only 11 rushing yards and Tua looked incredible. Definitely showed that he is the sole starter. Bama won’t be tested again until November. Their next games until then are against Ole Miss, Texas A&M, UL Lafayette, Arkansas, Missouri, and Tennessee. Get ready to see some blood baths. Okay, I know that Texas A&M gave Clemson a pretty good game, but I don’t think that is relevant. Clemson is nowhere near as good as Alabama. Yes, they are the number 2 team in the nation, but the 1-2 divide is incredibly vast. They are only there because technically someone has to be. The aggies aren’t anything I would worry about.

The last 4 games of the season will by far be the toughest for Bama. They play LSU, Mississippi State, The Citadel, and Auburn. First, LSU is tough this year. Love me some tigers. Love me some Coach O. Orgeron has his team looking the best I have seen in a while. They even found their missing link. Just like Bama, it’s a competent quarterback. Jordan Burrows is great, but I still don’t think he can put up enough points to outlast the Alabama offense. I wouldn’t worry about Mississippi State. They’ll beat The Citadel by 60. I’m not sure why Bama always schedules a super easy team right at the end of their schedule. Last is Auburn. I know that anything can happen in a rivalry game, especially the Iron Bowl, but Auburn had trouble putting up 21 points against a Pac 12 defense. If that is indicative of anything, it’s that Alabama is going to run them for a 40-point blowout. Just calling it how I see it.

Let’s jump to the postseason. The Tide will most likely play Georgia in the SEC Championship. This will be a good test, but here’s why I know Alabama will win. Georgia is not the same team as last year. Yes, they reloaded and they still have Hot Rod Blankenship, but they lost key players like Nick Chubb, Sony Michel, and Roquan Smith. Plus, Tua is going to play the entire game this time around. Now for the College Football Playoff. No need to worry about those choke artists from Madison. They only team I can see giving Bama a real game is Ohio State, but they rely too much on their speed and Alabama just so happens to have the only defense fast enough to keep up with them. On top of that, the buckeyes defense cannot stop a dominant balanced attack like Alabama has. In other words, it’s in the bag.

Please help me in congratulating you 2019 CFB Champions: the Alabama Crimson Tide.

The Bills Are A Special Type of Bad

Yesterday, we all watched as the Ravens put the ass whooping of possibly the entire season on the Bills, 47-3. Everyone needs to be fired.  The Ravens shouldn’t easily beat anybody and in no circumstances should they embarrass another team. Joe Flacco should never be taken out of a game because he was doing too good. That’s just absurd. What is most surprising about this whole thing is that Buffalo actually made the playoffs last year. 

Historically, the Bills have been a pretty garbage franchise. Not the worst, but still pretty bad. Nothing to brag about when their greatest accomplishments are losing in the Super Bowl four times and that time a murderer ran for 2,000 yards. Currently, their only known for sucking and their 300 pound, wing stuffed fans falling through plastic tables. Not to mention the laughing stock of the NFL, Nathan Peterman.

Ah, Nathan Peterman. As a fan of any other team in the NFL, it’s hard not to love this guy. But how does he have a job? Seriously, he was pulled from the game after throwing for a 0.7 QBR, according to ESPN. I’m convinced that even I could get at least a QBR of 1. Even when he threw 5 picks in one half, he was performing at around 12. He somehow just played worse.

There’s a couple things that need to be done by the Bills front office. First, drop Peterman to waivers or at least the practice squad. Maybe even manager of a concession stand. Just somewhere far away from the field.  Second, go all in on Josh Allen. He’s your guy now. He may be wildly inaccurate, but I can guarantee he won’t throw 5 picks in a half.