NCAA Basketball

A Letter to Tennessee Fans: Don’t Get Your Hopes Up

Dear Tennessee fans,

I want to start this by saying how much I hate your school and everything it stands for.

Next, I would like to congratulate you on your oh so impressive basketball season. Congratulations on not winning your conference, getting a 3 seed in the SEC tournament. Congratulations on not winning your conference tournament, getting run out of the gym and proving that you will always be the little brother to Alabama’s little brother. And lastly, congratulations on your 2 seed in the NCAA tournament. Luckily, there was four of them to go around so you all could have one too.

This may just be your year to make it to the Elite 8 for the second time in school history. Ya know, the thing that Loyola-Chicago has done more times than you. Oh, I almost forgot to wish you luck in your almost too easy bracket. Or so you might think.

Please be careful with these teams. Fair warning, they shoot threes. If the SEC Championship game told you anything, it is that you all should probably guard that. Proceed with caution and above all, don’t get your hopes up.

Your first matchup with Colgate is not one to overlook. The people of Tennessee are no match for a brand of toothpaste. Foes you know nothing about are typically the trickiest, but if you prevail, you get either Iowa or Cincinnati in Columbus, OH. If you get the Bearcats, it will basically be a home game for them. Imagine a crowd of fans who are just bad as Ohio State fans, but have nothing to back it up… so basically, you guys.

Then there is Iowa. Iowa can shoot threes. So a 20 point blowout is not going to be considered an upset, but the expectation. If by some miracle the Vols get to the Sweet 16 for the eighth time in program history, count your lucky stars. I promise, there will be one referee that won’t put up with Grant Williams’ flops. He goes down easier than Peyton Manning’s less talented brother sacking himself and spends more time on his back than ur mom #burn. He will rack up more quick fouls than Kyle Alexander leaving you to rely on some jabroni named Admiral.

Your admiral is not going to do squat, while my admiral, mixed with a little Coke, may just get me drunk enough to make a horribly mismanaged Rick Barnes coached game bearable. Your team is garbage. The “senior leadership” means nothing when they haven’t experienced anything.

Please, Vols, see your self out of this tournament. We will see you in 5 years when you are randomly decent again. I am only writing this because, while I do hate your school, I would hate to see you all get your hearts stomped on in a sport other than football.

Best,
Wic

Saturday Down South

P.S. Smokey is a dumb mascot.

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