Manchester City v. Tottenham– 1:0
This game was incredibly frustrating to watch as a Spurs fan. Trippier made a huge mistake lunging for a ball that led to the only goal on the game in the 6th minute. Very uncharacteristic of Trippier, but great finish by Mahrez. Spurs had every opportunity to equalize. Kane, who should have at least 9 goals at this point, took heavy touch after heavy touch ruining several chances on goal. Sissoko also had every chance to do something to make me hate him less, but squandered every opportunity by passing to directly to Man City. The most frustrating thing about Man City was that they were doing almost everything perfectly while wearing Phoenix Suns Summer League kits. Christ on a bike those things were ugly and honestly took away from the game. For Spurs, the most frustrating thing was the fact that Christian Erikson and Dele Alli came on as subs way too late in the game. I know they are just getting over injuries, but they are far too important to keep off the field. Minor set back for the eventual champions.
Main takeaway: Kyle Walker is a certified bitch.
Liverpool v. Cardiff– 4:1
Of course, Salah scored the first goal of the game. Liverpool had almost everything go their way. Every loose ball in the box was falling directly at a striker’s feet. If you need more evidence that Liverpool dominated this game other than the score line, they also had 80% possession.
Manchester United v. Everton– 2:1
I would like to cordially invite Paul Pogba to go fuck himself. Even though he scored immediately after, I am so glad Pickford saved his penalty kick. His 5 minute approach should be punishable by being sold to Swansea. I’m convinced that half of the time he has spent at Man U has been him sneaking up on the ball. Anyway, second goal of the game also went to Man U. I would now like to congratulate Anthony Martial on scoring a goal from a pass that was actually meant for him instead of poaching errant passes. Everton finally got their goal from a PK in the 77th minute resulting in a 2:1 finish, but I really believe this should have ended in a tie. I don’t want to call match fixing, but I do want to call home cooking on the Red Devils. A whole lot of missed calls in the box.
Chelsea v. Burnley– 4:0
This was the weekend of stupid kits, I see. Chelsea rolled up in a highlighter yellow kit with royal blue socks and I could not have been more disgusted. Their kit designer would have been Bloke of the Week if they had not been joined by Man City’s eyesores. Looking like a packet of blue raspberry lemonade Kool-aid. Enough about the kits, let’s get to the game. Morata got a much needed confidence boost in the 22nd minute assisted by Ross Barkley. Barkley then followed that up with a rocket of his own from 25 yards out. Last two goals were from Willian and Ruben Clappin-Cheeks.
Crystal Palace v. Arsenal– 2:2
There is an inverse relationship between Arsenal winning and my happiness. No win for Arsenal this weekend, so I am happy. They really should have lost, but a tie will do. I am not sure if they underestimated Crystal Palace or what happened, but I didn’t recognize half of their starters. Arsenal, hilariously, gave up two penalties and really had their backs against the wall. They controlled possession and had the lead for a while, but gave up 16 shots and plenty more chances.
Brilliant Lad: Ross Barkley (Chelsea)- this lad has been on an absolute tear lately. He scored his third goal in three weeks against Burnley and also assisted on Alvaro Morata’s goal.
Absolute Firecracker: Granit Xhaka (Arsenal)- Free kick from way outside the box to the far post in the 51st minute to bring them level with Crystal Palace.
Bloke of the Week: Mauricio Pochettino (Manager-Tottenham)- Could have played his best players against the second best team in the EPL (behind Spurs, of course), but decided to sit Christian Erikson and Dele Alli for almost the entire game.
If you have any other teams you would like me to cover, please comment them and I will do my best to write heavily biased opinions about them.