Soccer

EPL Kick Fix Matchday 9

Thank God International Break is finally over. It is so pointless to send the best players in the world back home for a weekend just to have them play Belarus or Narnia when they could keep playing each other. Oh well, back to the EPL we go. I will not be reviewing the Arsenal game, because they decided to play later on a Monday. Sorry Gunners, you guys are assholes.

Liverpool vs. Huddersfield: 1-0

Not too much to talk about on this game. As expected Salah had the game’s only goal. It was beautiful too. Just a quick poke past the keeper in full stride. Classy touch, cheeky finish, other British stuff. After that goal, Liverpool kinda just chilled for the rest of the game. Huddersfield had several scary attacks including two shots from well outside the box that would have definitely been the front-runners for Absolute Firecracker of the Week. Throw in a couple missed handballs in the box and you have a very distraught Huddersfield side. And this was just the first half. Liverpool better not let Salah go unless they get some significant pounds in return. They looked lost on every break that did not include him. Everything would fall apart then midfielders would look around aimlessly for their safety valve. All second half, it looked like everyone except Alison and Salah forgot how to play soccer (or football; shut up). Huddersfield really dominated the second half from what I saw and had every chance to win this game, but just could not find the back of the net. Really exposed a lot of weaknesses for Liverpool but a good 3 points regardless.

Chelsea vs. Manchester United: 2-2

Of course, Eden Hazard was involved in the first goal of the game with a beautiful corner kick to Antonio Rudiger. Awesome play by Chelsea, but my only concern is with Man U. Why in the world would you trust that twig bitch Paul Pogba to mark a centerback on a corner? Doesn’t make any sense. Many more chances come to Chelsea, but are ultimately squandered by poor touches from David Luis and Marcos Alonso. Finally, Anthony Martial puts Man United on the board in the 55th minute in the most Anthony Martial way possible. Having the ball magically land at his feet for an easy finish. Luckiest dude in all of soccer. The same kind of this happens for Man U’s second goal too. Rashford was not even looking in Martial’s direction and an errant pass lands perfectly at his feet. This one was actually a decent finish, but that is beside the point. Thankfully, Man U does not come out of this with 3 points. Chelsea’s lord and savior, Ross Barkley, gets his second goal in two matches in the 96th minute. My favorite part of this match was seeing how poorly Jose Mourinho handled the late goal. If you can’t tell by now, I really hate Man U and everything they stand for.

Manchester City vs. Burnley: 5-0

Just your weekly dose of Man City domination. Some controversy though. In the 54th minute Man City scored their second goal after a City player went down in the box and a play on was instructed by the official. Burnley just stopped and Bernardo Silva tapped in an easy goal. Joe Hart never had a chance. Immediately after, City puts away another beautiful goal from Fernandinho into the top right corner. Joe Hart, again, never had a chance. Best goal of the game came in the 83rd minute. Mahrez curled a long range shot with his left foot into the top left corner of the goal. Joe Hart didn’t even try. Wouldn’t have mattered anyway. There is definitely a trend going on here. Despite the score line, Hart did not play that bad. He really had no shot in stopping most of these goals.

West Ham vs. Tottenham: 0-1

Erik Lamela scores the game’s only goal right before halftime. I swear this was the first time I had seen him score in several years. Really nothing else to talk about in this game. Spurs have been flat out boring lately. You get one goal, a couple decent saves from Lloris, and at least one guaranteed ridiculously stupid tackle. Why complain though? We won and got 3 points closer to winning the cup. #SpursYear.

Weekly Awards

Briliant Lad: Mo Salah (Liverpool). He was the only player holding that team together and pretty much won that game by himself. True class.

Absolute Firecracker- Goal from Mahrez (Man City). This goal in the 83rd minute was incredible. My English friend tells me that long goals like this are call “thundercunts” but I am hesitant to believe that.

Bloke of the week: this one goes to the entire defense of Burnley for the goal they gave up in the 54th minute to Man City. Here in America we play until the whistle blows and even after sometimes. These jabronies just straight up stopped playing. So all 11 of you get the bloke of the week award. Congrats, morons.

Categories: Soccer

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