Is Somebody Stealing Powers From NFL QBs?

I’m really not trying to be dramatic when I say this; someone has stolen powers from several quarterbacks in the NFL. Quarterbacks who normally perform well, especially against garbage teams. But this past weekend, fell flat. I can’t say definitively who stole them, but I have some culprits. I know stats are for losers, but I really need them for this take.

Ben Roethlisberger. The quarterback who has won more games in Cleveland than anyone else in the NFL… including Browns quarterbacks. He returned to his kingdom this past weekend where he was certain to reclaim his throne. Only to realize, he is going to have to share it. Big Ben ended the Browns streak of losses by throwing 3 interceptions, only 1 touchdown, and the game in the last 2 minutes. Not to mention his QBR of 60. As a starting QB in the NFL, an unwritten rule is that you have to beat the Browns. I guess he also didn’t lose to them, but that was embarrassing. Analysts are already projecting him to bounce back, but I am not holding my breath. Until his powers are returned, Big Ben is in more trouble than anyone in the bathroom with him.

Matt Stafford. Nobody really thinks of this guy as the best QB in the league, but he is definitely top 15. The last two years, he only threw 10 interceptions per season. He used to take care of the ball… that was, until he lost/ was robbed of his powers. This past Monday, He threw 4 interceptions to the Jets. THE JETS. In fact, his fourth favorite receiver was the Jets defense. How in the world do you let that happen? His QBR was 47.9 which is one of the worst I’ve seen for a normally good quarterback. In this case I’m not really sure if he can bounce back. We will have to see next week against the 49ers.

Derek Carr. Bear with me, now. Carr has had a pretty good career when you look back through the years. 3,000 yards with a least 20 TD’s a season has got to be worth something. Now, let’s give him one of the best quarterback coaches in the NFL and see how much better it makes him. What? That didn’t work? Maybe because it isn’t the same Derek Carr. Yes, I realize that the Rams defense is incredible, but no defense makes you underthrow receivers by 15 yards on a simple out route or make you forget what Amari Cooper looks like. Just like Big Ben, he threw 3 interceptions, but had no touchdowns and somehow had the highest QBR out of these three with 62.

Now, you’re probably wondering who could have done this. Was it the aliens from Moron Mountain like in Space Jam or was it some evil genius who needs to make a comeback? Let’s discuss. I have two main suspects. Both who suck. First, Eli(te) Manning. He’s been on a pretty bad downward spiral for the last couple seasons. Especially last year when he threw 19 touchdowns and 13 interceptions. One of his worst years ever. But how did he do it? You cannot convince me that the weird shape of his head developed somewhere on Earth. I’m not buying it. He probably has the glowing football somewhere in his locker.

Next culprit, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Totally garbage quarterback who has no business starting for any team, but was the only option this week in Tampa because Winston, like Big Ben, likes to sexually assault women. This past Sunday, Fitz completely lit it up against the Saints, with 417 yards, 4 TD’s, and no picks with a QBR of 156.3. Unprecedented. Now, how did he do it. Well, it just so happens he is the only QB smart enough to do it. After all, he went to Harvard. The Harvard grad must have invented something to transfer these powers to him. And now, this smug benchwarmer in all his Harvardness is about to have himself an MVP season. Stay away from Case Keenum, Fitz.

*Note: Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard. Also, keep an eye on Matt Ryan, who still has yet to play his best game of 2017.

Categories: NFL

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